These are allegedly from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and allegedly are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters, who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18 th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8 th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh….
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.

11. When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.

13. Some say he had his son teach the class.

14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only ten requirements, all but one of his students failed his tests.

16. The only person to ever pass was his son.

17. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city
church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

“Well,” said the farmer, “it was good. They did something different,
however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns.”

“Praise choruses?” said his wife. “What are those?”

“Oh, they’re OK. They are sort of like hymns, only different,” said the
farmer.

“Well, what’s the difference?” asked his wife.

The farmer said, “Well, it’s like this – If I were to say to you:
“Martha, the cows are in the corn”‘ – well, that would be a hymn. If on
the other hand, I were to say to you:

‘Martha, Martha, Martha,
Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA,
the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows
the white cows,
the black and white cows,
the COWS, COWS, COWS
are in the corn,
are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn,
the CORN, CORN, CORN.’

Then, if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well, that
would be a praise chorus.”

The next weekend, his nephew, a young, new Christian from the city came
to visit and attended the local church of the small town. He went home
and his mother asked him how it was.

“Well,” said the young man, “it was good. They did something different
however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs.”

“Hymns?” asked his mother. “What are those?”

“Oh, they’re OK. They are sort of like regular songs, only different,”
said the young man.

“Well, what’s the difference?” asked his mother.

The young man said, “Well, it’s like this – If I were to say to you:
‘Martha, the cows are in the corn’ – well, that would be a regular song.
If on the other hand, I were to say to you:

‘Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry
Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth
Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by
To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.

For the way of the animals who can explain
There in their heads is no shadow of sense
Hearkenest they in God’s sun or His rain
Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.

Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight
Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed
Then goaded by minions of darkness and night
They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed.

So look to the bright shining day by and by
Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn
Where no vicious animals make my soul cry
And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.’

Then if I were to do only verses one, three and four and do a key change
on the last verse, well that would be a hymn.

I had amnesia once — or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones to ride horses side-saddle. (Think about it!)

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible … and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Why do people say “close proximity”? Is there a “far proximity?”

My weight is perfect for my height — which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

How can there be self-help “groups”?

Is there another word for synonym?

What’s another word for thesaurus?

What rhymes with orange?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.

It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

They asked me if I had a problem being ignorant and apathetic. I told them, “I don’t know and I don’t care!”

Life is like a roll of toilet paper… the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.

There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the scaffolding and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine. Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing away the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?” And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”

“Some marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.”

“Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at the number that re-enlist.” – James Garner

“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” – Benjamin Franklin

“Don’t assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost – she may have got him.”

“A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions he can answer.” – Ronald Colman

“Before marriage the three little words are ‘I love you’, after marriage they are, ‘let’s eat out’.”

“By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

“A diplomatic husband said to his wife, ‘How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?'”

“It takes a smart spouse to have the last word and not use it.”

“Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.” – Arthur Baer

“The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.”

“Marriage is like twirling a baton, handsprings, or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy till you try it.”

“Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.”

“There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.”

“In Hollywood all marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems.” – Shelley Winters

A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish. One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 32 lb. 10 oz.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee,

And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, “You must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, ” ‘Cause you’re ugly.”