I had amnesia once — or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones to ride horses side-saddle. (Think about it!)

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible … and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Why do people say “close proximity”? Is there a “far proximity?”

My weight is perfect for my height — which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

How can there be self-help “groups”?

Is there another word for synonym?

What’s another word for thesaurus?

What rhymes with orange?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.

It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

They asked me if I had a problem being ignorant and apathetic. I told them, “I don’t know and I don’t care!”

Life is like a roll of toilet paper… the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.